Dealing With A Divorce in Nigeria
You finally did it you took the plunge you files a divorce petition against that no good cheating night crawling broke ass violent abusive spouse of yours. So why are you feeling blue? Why are you crying at the slightest ting like a woman a hormonal imbalance? Why are you avoiding people and places? Why you hiding out at home in your negligee or wrapper or sweats or whatever you wear watching cheesy soap operas? Why are you moping around like someone died? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating with the girls or the kids or the family or someone?
Of course not, you are and you should be grieving. When you walked down the aisle, whether literally or figuratively you intended it to be a lifetime partnership, I’m sure you didn’t plan for it to be for a while. Right? Okay some of you might have. Doesn’t matter. Even if was just a pretend marriage you had to have developed some attachment to your spouse. Even if it was just sexual or a codependency or you’re a socio-path. Okay?
Your relationship, your codependency, your marriage just ended. It is like a death. In my former practice at the women’s abuse shelter we counselled all women that went through our program to allow themselves at least a year to grieve and heal before even considering a new relationship if they were considering one at all. Sound advice still. You will go through the five stages of grief and it will impair your judgement some folks more than others. Remember that. Don’t make too many life changing decisions right now if you can avoid it.
Find out about what’s happening to you right now and how to help yourself. Follow this link to some on line resources on grief management. If you understand what’s happening to you it will be easier to get through the process safely and without bitterness, rancour or other life sapping negative emotions that your soon to be ex-spouse would be only too glad to know you have to distract you from your purpose which should be to live the best life that you possibly can.
I’m sure the sociocultural environment of Nigeria won’t help but there isn’t much I can do about that from here. Surround yourself with people that support you right now. When you are stronger you can deal with the rest. For many of you this will be the hardest part, breaking free and through the endemic social inhibitions and institutions that will challenge your right and your choice every step of the way to kingdom come.
Grief is a physiological process, you cant get away from it, learn to use it positively to grow.
Be well
Mr Agams, I’ve not seen any of your replies to my plight.
Paul James
January 20, 2013