If You’re A Woman Considering A Divorce in Nigeria Read This & Then Just Do It

Just do it.

You’re already considered a bad evil woman. Staying in a loveless abusive marriage isn’t going to score you any brownie points. They’re not going to think any better of you.

They being your in-laws ,your family possibly including your mother, definitely your super competitive uncles, their jealous wives, your aunts, your numerous cousins and the great grand fathers family down the street .

They already think your a failure as a wife and mother you know. Or why else would your husband be abusing you in the first place they say. You must be doing something wrong.

You’re stubborn. Too opinionated. You talk too loudly in the company of men. You don’t know how to respect your husband. You’re always out hustling for money to feed the family. That means you’re a prostitute.

We all know ain’t no heterosexual Nigerian male going to do any favours for you without demanding his settlement from you. In kind if you’re not a powerful woman already. And the powerful ones didn’t become powerful by being stingy with the pussy.

Hey. We know these things. Its the bread and butter we’re fed from childhood. All part of the social conditioning. Protest all you like. Behind your back they all think you’re a bloody slut. You’re a woman ain’t you? You don’t live with the husband? You’re a slut.

So don’t think by hanging in there you’re making some sort of statement to fulfil the righteous requirements on marital status. You’re wrong. Only the hypocrites buy it. Right before asking you to meet them in their hotel suite.

So just do it!

The judicial system is fucked up but a good lawyer can get you a statutory divorce within a year. And you can get custody of the children if you’re married under the Matrimonial Causes Act.

Its only under some customary laws that women are denied custody and those laws can and should be challenged. If you want to get out of a bad marriage do a bit of research. Find out what applies in your case. Speak to a lawyer.

Just do it.

And mean it. Get out of that relationship. Take custody of the children if in their best interest or secure your visitation and access rights if that’s appropriate. Get some maintenance money. Or a settlement. Go start a new life.

Its not going to get better. He’s not going to change. And if he does I guess he’ll come looking for you and the kids anyway. Right? If he’s collecting your pay check and still putting the family into debt. Step.

Just do it okay?

If he’s running you like his own personal beast of burden. Step. If he’s more interested in using the family income to buy an iphone than pay for school, healthcare and rent. Step. Especially if most of that income is coming from you.

You have one leg up on the sisters that are indigent or unemployed. You have earning capacity. If you’re paying the family bills while living with your husband you can likewise pay them without him.

He’s a bum and he’s living off you while you make noises about being a submissive wife. A lot of the time his family, his mother and his brother live off of you too. With your acquiescence and full cooperation. They’re not even kind.

Just do it!

Get out and file for that divorce. There is life after divorce. You may actually find the person for you. The person whose weirdness is compatible with your weirdness. If that’s too much for your religious comfort zone to handle you can be happy with only Jesus and the kids.

If you’re separated already you might as well go to court and make it nice and legal. That means settle who gets custody, who gets control, who pays school fees, maintenance and how much. Courts do decide custody and maintenance in separation petitions too. You’ll still be technically married.

Its not cool calling your lawyer only when you and your spouse disagree about custody or visitation or school fees or something and then abandon the matter till the next crisis. Take it to a court. Let a judge and the law decide it. Or take it to marital mediators.

Just do something.

While prayer and your personal religious faith values are important in your quest to turn your marital situation around you must do your part. You must make an informed decision and identify your objective.

Is it a lifetime of wrangling over custody, schools, travel arrangements? A court approved arrangement is no guarantee to a non acrimonious divorce or separation but the absence of one is a guarantee to disaster. Children of divorce have enough to deal with.

Just do it. Nike it.

Posted by MzAgams with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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56 thoughts on “If You’re A Woman Considering A Divorce in Nigeria Read This & Then Just Do It

  1. Who is mzagams? I stumbled onto your blog during a Google search and have keep coming back! Keep it coming please. Best wishes.

  2. Thank u.being a woman does nt mean u shld be treatmentd like an animal. Does it really matter whether married or divorce? Cnt life continue? Kip me post

  3. easier said than doone, i have been considering divorce since a few months into my marrriage now , its almost two years and i know i have had enough, cant go on like this.am so unhappy and now i realise the situation will never change! i am constantly being verbally abused and occassionally physically abused.problem is, dont know what it entails-divorce i mean.

  4. Hello, my situation is oddly similar but very different at the same time, wanting a divorce is all i have dreamt of for many years but doing it is a whole different ball game.

    Mental and physical abuse is all i lived with for years, saying just do it is not as simple as it sounds because when a man pins you down like a slave and works you till you bleed without paying you a salary or any form of income and enstranges you from your family and friends, gives no room for a holiday or sick leave, where do you turn to? I would have just done it years ago but FEAR is real and a powerful CRUEL tool to use against a woman. Nigeria is what it is-a mans world- I was young and foolish, believed in love and trust till i recieved my first punch that twisted my jaw which till date doesnt close without making a cliking sound. Thinking it would all change when he promised on bended knees thru tears and a running nose- FOOL- is what i called myself because that was just the begining, i forgave him and kept my mouth shut, he knew it, he felt it, he loved it, it gave him POWER over me knowing i would be as quiet as a mouse even if he handed me shit to eat, it only got worse from there, now i have a broken lower spine bone that nearly paralized me and a broken rib on my left side that nearly perforated my heart, an arm that was nearly broken to pieces all this was a year in, a year out experience. I never went to any hospital (who will pay the bills i didnt have a dime) what will i say? They will ask questions. Didnt go to the Police, he is a rich man who could buy anyone and make up a story about his mental wife.

    My knees would bleed from the tons of prayers to God Almighty everyday i would return from his work at 11pm, praying that today would be different,that today i would not be the Ogbanje who has eaten her children, the baren useless stupid failure of a wife. That the missing kitchen knives i couldnt find, which were hidden under his side of the bed waiting to slice me with or the loaded gun were not what i was to be threatened with this night.

    A day came when the fish scales fell from my eyes and i found my passport (i have dual citizenship) made a call to my brother, got a one way ticket and left after 12 yrs of HELL. If i had a child i would have stayed till i figured out what to do, i felt i had nobody and no money but LADIES THAT IS THE LIE THAT MEN FEED YOU WITH TO KEEP YOU DOWN, we all have people who are ready to help.

    When a man penetrates your body, soul and mind TOTALY and destroys every bit of your individuality, uniqness, self esteem and pride all you are left with is an empty shell that is moving like a floating carcass in high waters. Sometimes death was a better alternative-but in my faith and my strong relationship with Jesus- suicide was not an OPTION.

    Ladies, we are STRONGER than men, we bring LIFE into this world, which man can do that? We are beautiful, powerful and worthy. Even the Lord Almighty had to come to this earth through a WOMAN !!!!!!! They can keep decieving themselves until the day you find your voice, find yourself, its not worth it to live lower than an animal. We are not ANIMALS, even my dogs were treated with more respect than i was because they had sharp teeth, well i grew mine long and sharp.

    I left without anything, please take note i had no childeren for him, and like i said my situation is different, not a dime, with faith in my heart that if God could take care of the birds in the sky what more of ME, his masterpiece, haba i am special too, all that is left is for me to find a lawyer when i start earning an income afterall i worked to sustain the family so i can as well sustain myself all over again.

    1. Dear Irina, I cried reading your story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. You have been through so much more than any of us can begin to imagine. You are indeed a strong woman. I hope you are doing well now in your new life. I hope you have found real love and that you are healing even though some scars stay with us forever.

      If there is anything we can do for you here to help you rebuild your life and move on let us know. We are here for you and the millions of Nigerian women that continue to suffer in silence.

      God bless you and keep you. I look forward to hearing from you again. Tell us about how you are healing and the challenges you have faced. It will be a great inspiration for our readers.

      All the best

      Lesley

      1. I thank God you got out with your life. Mine is going through the same pattern, as a matter of fact he doesn’t understand why I get angry over his mountain of verbal abuse.
        Now he works with his sister who lives with us to belittle me and talk to me without regards even in front of the house help.
        I have made up my mind, am not wanted here. I know it’s embarrassment for me and my family that my marriage failed but I can’t leave the rest of my life like this.
        My major worry is the custody battle for my kids

  5. I need a very good divorce lawyer for my mom. My mom has gone tru hell and back. I dnt tink my dad will eva change. He has physically and emotionally abuse her, including his family. Resently, he got married to his mistress traditnally while still legally married to my mom. She has two boys for him. He has load of money, while she looks like shit. He kicks her out of d house wheneva he likes. He served her more than 2 divorce petition. Anytime he serve her a petition she will cry, call people to beg him. She is 51, he still hit her. She looks 80yrs cos of d frustration. I had to leave d house, d pain was too much, seein her go tru all those sufferin witout a help hurt me. He uses money to buy outsiders affection, say all d bad tins in dis world against her. Mk pple hate her. Tell pple hw she corrupted us. I dnt love or like my dad. He is d worst fada on earth. Whn I was little, I always pray to God to protect my mom, thinkin he was goin to kill her before I turn adult. I’m an adult, I still dnt hv money to care for her. He wnt to kick her out of d house she pratically build wit her hands. He abandon us for 9yrs. He got bck n became a manace in her life. She dnt want to hear abt divorce, she is scared of wt pple will say as she is a divoted christian. He has slept wit almost all her old frds n lot more. I am still presudin her to divorce him. I dnt want him to see it comin. I want her to make d move. Enuf is enuf. She hate d word “divorce” I need your advice n a lawyer. She has to get d house, we grow up dere, she erected d foundatn of dt house. She deserve lot more maintenance. That slut of a mistress need to pay for destroyin her marriage n bragin abt it, to d extent of contractin a tradtional weddin, whn he is still legally married to her. I need your help n a lawyer.

  6. MADAM I HAVE A CHILD HOOD FRIEND WHOSE BEEN MARRIED WITH KIDS AND HAS BEEN UNHAPPY RIGHT FROM DAY ONE,COS HER PARENTS FORCED HER INTO IT ABOUT 10 YRS AGO.D ISSUE IS THAT I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND NOT OUT OF PITY BUT SINCERELY AND SHE DOES LOVES ME NOT COS OF MY MONEY SINCE PRESENTLY I DON’T HAV.SHE CLAIMED SHE HAS NOT A SINGLE FEELING 4 THIS HER HUSBAND(STATUTORY) BUT I AM BENT ON MARRYING ONLY LEGALLY I.E IF SHE IS DIVORCED FROM D OTHER MAN.I’V READ MANY OF UR ARTICLES AND OTHER AUTHOR’S.PLS I’M I ON D RIGHT TRACK COS I JUST WANNA TRY AND BE LEGAL IN ALL THAT I DO ABOUT THIS ISSUE.I’M IN LAGOS BUT SHE’S BASED IN D NORTH. THANKS MADAM

  7. Irina ben,I read ur post n cried bcos I could relate to it. U just narrated my own life!,for 8yrs av been given blows n punches just bcos he claims to av a temper,he doesn’t want me to work,edits d money he gives me,buys cloths or shoes for me by himself so no spare change @ all can come to me. I av kids n dis is what pple say I shld consider,I want out soo badly but I just learnt that without a job n steady income u r fighting a lost course,what do I do-i went back to sch for a second degree which he is paying for in order to help secure a good job by God’s grace,in all this am still taking blows n verbal abuse bidding my time,right now he’s in charge n loving it am only making d sacrifice for my kids until dat all important source of income comes,its definitly d best protection any woman can have,trust me Mz agams without it “just do it” is not an option.thank you.

  8. Ms Agams, wonderful reading your counsel. Thank you for providing information so freely in an especially daunting life situation.

    I’m married to a foreigner in Nigeria and now 4yrs separated. Both live in different countries outside Nigeria. Jurisdiction has been an issue and obtaining a decision has been unsuccessful so far. We seem to be caught in the middle of legal jurisdiction and competence. We now urgently want out but cannot. We are now both consenting but the courts refuse to consider this new position made circa 2weeks after initial filing. So we’re stuck in this unending merry go round.

    My question:

    – what can we do to stop proceedings under the current jurisdiction ? We are now at an impasse.
    – since both married in Nigeria, can we ‘transfer’ our case to the Nigerian courts?
    – if so, how best to do it to prevent duplication ?
    – since we now are consenting just to be rid of the mess, is this possible in Nigeria and how long will it take?

    Thank you for your response.

  9. I will like to have an appointment with you on my marital issue. I was legally married but presently moved out with my 6 years old son, I will appreciate ur response

  10. Mz Agams…thank you so much for this article. I have a lot of questions to ask you because am going thru hell. Please I wuld like to have a personal talk with you.

  11. thank God i found this site today where i can get solution to my problems
    Am a young woman of 38years,married with 3 kids,for more than 2years now i have left my husband house due to life threatening by my so called husband.I was forced into the marriage.i have tried all i can to make it work but no result.i can’t continue living a life of fear and unhappiness in a home i called mine.
    my problem is how do i get divorce as soon as possible as married in catholic church,for all the effort am making seems very difficult to get divorce.

  12. I’m a legally married woman with 2 kids of 4yrs old boy n 7mths old girl. My husband lives in uk but comes once a year to stay with us. There has been issue between us, which he refuse to let us resolve amicably but want divorce n take custody of the children. He gave me 14days to vacate d flat I’m staying with d kids. Please I need urgent advice on what to do.

    1. Go to the social welfare office in the town where you live and report the matter. he cannot kick you out and he cannot take custody of the children without a judicial order. Where did you get married? Church registry or village?

  13. Reading this post and I remember my mum. She left her husband in the seventies. Physical and emotional abuse, cos she had four daughters. She left the girls with him, went back to school and got a job and started using her maiden name. When the girls grew into teenagers, they all came to live with her. She never remarried, but had two other kids.
    It was a customary marriage so her family handled the divorce (I think).

    I recently met a young lady who married right out of secondary school. Three years into the marriage and she got a divorce. Hubby and family had turned her into a rag. She has a son who she left with the father because ‘I can’t afford to take care of him now and his father is rich. I can’t fight him. I know he’ll look for me when he’s older.’

    Mama Senior, another woman I know, left her husband because he was lazy and adulterous. She took the baby and left the 3 older ones. Started a small biz, saved up and built a small house on land her father gifted her. A few years down the line and she goes back for the others. She’s taking care of all 4 children now.

    Maybe because I come from a tribe of strong women (I have an aunt who had her husband locked up in a police cell cos he refused to get a job and provide for their 8 kids. She ended up leaving him), I find it hard to understand staying in an abusive relationship, one that threatens your life and sanity. Even when there a kids involved. If you die in the marriage, what happens to the kids?

    No. I’m not married and I don’t have kids.

  14. enajyte, u spoke my mind”If you die in the marriage, what happens to the kids? ”
    Thanks lesley……..lots of nigerian wives needs to know this and i believe if nigerian men can see this act pulled effectively they will definately sit up in the marriage union.

    Lesley………..expect my mail soon. God bless you real good!

  15. my husband stays in ado and i stay in ilorin. we got married two years ago june 5 2012 and we are blessed with a wonderful daughter after nine month of our marriage march 13 2013. the problem started when will lose the girl 15 febuary 2014 some weeks to her 1year birthday. now since feburary 18 my husband as not come home till now. just june 27, my husband called that he is not in love with me again and he is tired of the marriage. my family and I, have tried to call him to settle the difference yet he said no. d pain is too much for me to bear
    . please link me up with any lawyer in ilorin that can help me to secure a divorce. i want to divorce him, am tired. thank u

  16. my husband stays in ado and i stay in ilorin. we got married two years ago june 5 2012 and we are blessed with a wonderful daughter after nine month of our marriage march 13 2013. the problem started when will lose the girl 15 febuary 2014 some weeks to her 1year birthday. now since feburary 18 my husband as not come home till now. just june 27, my husband called that he is not in love with me again and he is tired of the marriage. my family and I, have tried to call him to settle th

    e difference yet he said no. d pain is too much for me to bear
    . please link me up with any lawyer in ilorin that can help me to secure a divorce. i want to divorce him, am tired. thank u

  17. I ve been married for years and blessed with kids. my husband last had sex with me more than 6 months ago. i ve tried to apologize cos there was a quarell initially but all to know avail. There have been evidences of him going out with girls. He does not pay the kids fees and must be called and begged even if eventually he will pay. He does not provide feeding allowance nor clothing for the kids. i have been responsible for all these initially cos he lost his Job but now he works and earns more than me yet prefers to be begged before fufilling his role as a father. I have lots of debts on me right now because of the burden of school fees, feeding and shelter. I have a friend who loves me seriosly and wants me to marry him but i dont want to do this because I fear God. I need love, attention and care as a woman. My kids even suggest running away so we could be free from him. I wish to file a divorce but he doesnt want. What can i do ma?

    1. Everyone deserves to be happy and is responsible for their own happiness.

      If you are sure this is what you want then collect evidence of his adultery and see a lawyer to file for a divorce.

  18. On that faithful morning at about 06:00am i noticed that water was coming out of my private part that was my EDD because i was pregnant. I told my husband and he went away not even looking back. and when i got to his hospital they ask me was i feeling any contraction, i said No that its only water that was coming out.
    They now told me to go home and come back whenever i feel the contraction. As a first timer i quicking left the place to go to my parent house for assistance, on my way going water started to come out and i went to the nextest hospital for assistance and immediately i was attended to. later in the evening i text my husband cos he doesn’t pick my calls and i told him where i was and he said he will never come their that he wish me best of luck and he off his phone. i then deliver the next morning, after when i was ok that same morning i tried his phone to tell him i have deliver but it was off so i callled my neigbour to tell him which they did and since then he never came to hospital to discharge me, it was my parent that discharge me at the hospital and after a month plus he packed my load out of his house telling me he can never do any naming ceremony with me and going to five months he had only send money four times and now he is now saying that i should give him is baby that i cant take care of the baby (5month old baby).

  19. Thanks for this info. This is what I really need to make up my mind. My children would have preferred judicial separation but we have been separated 7 years now n he hasn’t been responsible so I cant keep being celibate waiting for him to change n come back. He has a kid now after my 3 children so I want to move on too.
    Been worried about what people would say but this article has given me courage because I’m about to file. Thank you.

  20. I am very glad to come across this, reading ur post and comments have relieved me of a great burden. I have left my marriage for over 3yrs with my 2kids, this man never take care of the kids nor ask about their well being but always disturb making unreasonable demand (I should bring them to his family house) a tricky way to take the kids from me.. I do allow him to meet the kids sometimes before but I got to realize he was trying to frustrate and inconvenient me. My marriage was a bitter experience, this man beat me and will also present me a bad lady to my family and his, he doesn’t take care of the home, gambles with my money. I was sexually harassed the day I finally went to pack my stuff from his house. My life has been hell but walking away wasn’t a choice I ever regretted for once, imagine a man beating his wife with pregnancy an SC patient come to think of it. He kept my credentials and denied he doesn’t have them with him. I want to formalise my divorce but I am scared of my kids custody bcus my life is useless without them. presently I don’t have a job at hand due to the nature of my last job which was health threatening. My family have not been giving necessary support, I can say they contributed to all my obstacles all in the name of religion. please I need ur advice on what to do bcuz we were legally married and I want to be completely free from him. I am yet to get over those emotion trauma.

    1. Recover from your trauma, get a job, get a house, take good care of your kids. What money will you use to go to court now? when you are financially settled you can start to worry about divorce.

  21. Hello, I googled ‘divorce procedure in Nigeria’ because I’m fed up and came across this blog. I have been married for not up to a year and finally decided it’s time for divorce. i know first year in marriage is usually bumpy but I’m so emotionally drained. I know I’m no saint but my offense is trying to manage the resources since he is loose especially around women. At first it was infidelity, then came the beating and now abandonment. I saw the little signs but ignored it because I believed I was lovestruck. I didn’t pretend before we got married so I didn’t understand why he wanted changes from me. What’s wrong with asking him to stop intimate discussions with exes(I discovered this in the first week after marriage), what’s wrong in focusing on building the home(before I married him, his apartment was empty…no furniture), what’s wrong in asking him to stop late nights etc. He kept the secret on his infertility until after our marriage(He can’t perform, he can last for at most a minute 30 secs…no exaggeration). If we have issues, he calls his family. If he wrongs me even when he beats me, I try to protect his image by keeping to myself. He has never appreciated me. I’m not the extravagant type but imagine my shock when I discovered he sends huge money to exes when they request meanwhile my shoe is worn off. I tried committing suicide one time by drinking fuel and slashing my wrist(wrist slashing doesn’t work, the blood clots) when he told me that he was never in love with me before we got married so this marriage was for selfish purpose. He knows I’m strongly against divorce so he uses it to threaten me and gets away with anything.
    But now I have made up my mind to go ahead with it. I can’t live in torture anymore. He hasn’t been home in 2days and don’t pick my calls. I’m fed up. I don’t sleep. I have to gather my last saving for a hospital trip because lately I have been feeling sparks on the left side of my brain…imagine the doctor wanting to confirm diagnosis of a brain tumour. I’m just 30. I left the hospital because I can’t afford the test. It’s scary. I don’t have a job and I spent my savings getting the basics we need for our apartment meanwhile he works in a multinational oil company in a top position. It’s scary how life will be afterwards since I’m the first person in my family considering divorce/separation but I’m willing to take the risk. Pls what do I do? I’m drowning.

  22. I need help I want to get divorce but has no money. I stay in Oyo with my two kids he stay in Lagos. For two years now he never bother about their welfare. Pls what can I do

  23. Go jo! That’s exactly what I was trying to do when I called you to help recommend the beat divorce lawyer in the nation! I will pay to be free from this bondage! But I called you and you basically hung up the phone on me telling me how you didnt know anyone. With all this information you are putting out there, you dont know anyone, yeah right. Just wetting people’s appetites and not feeding them. I shall overcome sha and when I do I will give some of the credit you deserve but not all, because I am sure you could have helped me more but you chose not to and chose to be mean about it. Especially in the state of mind I was, that hurt deeply.

  24. hello, mine might not be as serious as the other women, i married the guy against my better judgement thinking, it would influence him to straighten up himself better, then i had threats of violence and how i knew he was before i agreed to marry him. He was hoping i would pay the lawyer to complete his process of him moving to the US with me. but i stopped the process i started when i finally realized that he wasn’t planning on sending or helping to fund it.

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