After more than two years of cheap hotels, rented rooms, the occasional couch and when I get lucky a friends spare room I have returned to the life I was running away from and *gasp* committed to a flat share for three months.
Thats all my restless spirt can handle right now. The thought of even paying one year rent (much less two) makes me go into a fit – I start to shiver and shake and my mind darts around like a mad woman in an asylum shouting ‘let me out of here’!
Baby steps – we can only handle baby steps right now.
And this is perfect …my flat mate shares some of my habits. She drinks and smokes for one. That helps. I’m too old to start pretending, hiding or making myself otherwise uncomfortable.
It has occurred to me that I should stop smoking and drinking and doing all those other things that someone somewhere said that I should but my spirit rises against ‘should’, ‘can’t’, ‘won’t’. Its like a red cape to a bull – I have no choice but to charge. The best way to make sure I do something – tell me I can’t or shouldn’t or something.
But I digress….
Of course I do, I am avoiding or possibly denying or maybe just refusing to look at the fact before me – I have made a commitment for three months!
I know, I know. I have been in my village for more than three months, and before that I was somewhere else for more than three months. And even before that but the moment by moment commitment was weekly, or monthly. I could pack up my bags and go when ever I chose to.
Its little wonder that I have been unable to keep a job more than a few years or for that matter a grown up relationship. I have not lived in the same town or in the same house for more than a few years since….many many many moons ago.
Restless and free spirit.
By the way, I’m about to sign a consultancy contract for one year. I am terrified! One year! A lot can happen in one year! What? A trip to Mars maybe?
Compromise? Am I going to do this for the next one year and take off for that US road trip the year after that? Or no compromise? Keep running? Avoid deep ties at all costs? Give in to the restlessness? Keep moving.
Restless is part of who I am.
There is a market, a bank and a gym just round the corner. I went to the ATM and decided to finally make that okra soup and pounded yam I’ve been craving since February. Cooking is such an act of love, and cooking for restless me is such a soothing act of self love.
Its going to be alright…