Posts Tagged ‘violence against women’

Can The Attorney General Of Nigeria Open An Inquiry Into Sugabelly’s Charges Against Mohammed Audu?

December 11, 2015
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Still Talking About Rape, Sexual Assault & Trafficking

December 2, 2015

When I think of the millions of young girls and women that have been and are being abused – sexually and physically – I get so angry.

Sexual abuse of children and young people destroys lives.

They will have sex eventually, allow them grow up and understand what its about first nah!

All those apologists that blame the rape victims even when they are children – I have no words for you.

if you think its okay for any reason what so ever I have no words for you – except to advice you to block ya’self now now.

I cannot even open my mouth to say – don’t call me if they rape your 6 year old. Because if you do I will still fucking answer and defend that child.

But I will finish you.

All these cretins questioning another’s experience of sexual assault don’t realise they only condemn themselves. You’re projecting onto Sugabelly YOUR values, beliefs and motives.

What you accuse her of is what YOU think. It would be so much better if haters and critics shut it for a bit. Everything you say says more about you than the person you accuse.

Don’t you get it? Can’t you see? Don’t you understand?

You have no proof she is a gold digger but YOU ARE by the confession of your mouth. That is YOUR mind you expose, not Sugabelly’s!

And you get upset when I call you morons? Dumb ass!

You say she wanted to marry you by all means? No, you fucking arrogant sack of shit! Thats what you think, that girls with you want to marry you by all means! Chick said she loved you.

All the men and women asking why she went back – tell me , swear to me that you are not in an abusive relationship yourself and refusing to walk away.

You think abuse is only when there is blood, gore and bullets? You don’t know that verbal abuse is also abuse? You haven’t heard of emotional abuse? And financial abuse?

Google it. You’ll even find a quiz in case you are still not sure.

Why you haven’t walked away from that dude/chick that berates and belittles you like say you be small pikin? You don’t know thats ‘abuse’?

Don’t you know that rejecting food, the ‘silent treatment’ and withholding economic privileges are abusive, manipulative and coercive? Why haven’t you walked away?

You didn’t know you were being abused when you caught your spouse cheating and they denied it categorically? Like say you no see wetin you see. Its called ‘gas-lighting’. You can google it.

You don’t see it as abusive when a spouse cheats and ask the other – what can you do about it? Why you no leave? Why you no leave that time he slap you?

If your understanding of ‘abuse’ is a single physical and violent incident you are being wilfully blind to a range of continuous psychological abuse that is always present in abusive relationships.

There are indeed degrees of abuse – but its all ABUSE. How healthy is your relationship? Why aren’t you walking away? You can tolerate this but not that? Are you okay? You dey hear ya’self? Abeg get real.

I remember being that age. I remember being romantic, naive, intense and more than a little bit needy and insecure – like any normal teenager – I’m glad I didn’t meet a fucking psychopath.

My only thought as I read her story was – there but for the grace of god go I……

#Sugabelly

DEMAND FOR THOROUGH AND URGENT INVESTIGATION AND PROSECUTION OF PROF. CYRIL OSIM NDIFON OF THE FACULTY OF LAW, UNIVERSITY OF CALABAR FOR RAPE AND OTHER OFFENCES

September 17, 2015

September 14, 2015.

The Commissioner of Police,

Cross River State Command,

Calabar.

Dear Sir,

DEMAND FOR THOROUGH AND URGENT INVESTIGATION AND PROSECUTION OF PROF. CYRIL OSIM NDIFON OF THE FACULTY OF LAW, UNIVERSITY OF CALABAR FOR RAPE AND OTHER OFFENCES

Introduction

We are alumni of the Faculty of Law, University of Calabar, Calabar. We are all barristers and solicitors of the Supreme Court of Nigeria and are spread throughout Nigeria and well beyond. Professor Cyril Osim Ndifon, the disgraced and suspended Dean of the Faculty of Law, University of Calabar, was one of our law lecturers. He taught us the course Nigerian Legal System sometime in the year 1999.

We heard with alarm the allegation that Professor Cyril Osim Ndifon raped Sinemobong Ekong Nkang, one of his students, following her refusal of his sexual overtures. While we know that by section 36 (5) of the Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria 1999 (as amended), a presumption of innocence inures in favour of anyone accused of having committed an offence, we note with dismay that the allegation is all too familiar and is an enduring theme of the over two-decades-old academic career of Prof. Ndifon. Ndifon’s victims number in the hundreds, if not thousands. Our own class, which is approximately 200-stong, teems with victims of his intimidation, sexual harassment and sexual predation.

The Facts of the Rape

Professor Cyril Osim Ndifon had scheduled a test for his 400-level Law of Equity & Trust class to be held on Saturday, August 29, 2015 in one of the halls of the Faculty of Law. The test held as scheduled. Forty minutes into a sixty-minute exercise, he entered the hall and asked everyone to hand in their answer booklets. As invigilators moved from desk to desk collecting scripts, those who were yet to be reached tried feverishly to round up their answers. Professor Ndifon walked up to one of these students, a 20-year-old girl whom he had been admiring for ages, grabbed her script and tore it to shreds, dumping the shreds on her desk. The hapless and totally bewildered girl gathered the shreds and stuffed them into her bag.

About half an hour later, she was on her way out of the faculty building and was bound for her hostel in the company of friends when Prof. Ndifon drove in. He had left shortly after the drama in the examination hall. On seeing her, he asked whether she still had her shredded answer script. Yes, she answered. Prof. Ndifon then asked her to gather them, get a fresh foolscap sheet of paper and go up to his office to copy out her original answers. She went up to his office where she met his secretary and two other persons. She explained her mission and was allowed to sit with them in the outer office to copy out her answers. The Dean’s office is on the first floor.

Shortly thereafter, Prof. Ndifon walked in. He directed her to go to his private office on the second floor so she could use the table there. She had been writing with the answer script placed on her thighs and had been uncomfortable. She gratefully went to his office on the floor above and settled down to work. About five minutes into her writing, Prof. Ndifon walked in with his trademark swagger. He had a glass of wine in his hand. He took a sip of it and, without swallowing it, asked a kiss of her. She declined and continued with her writing.

He went out. About five minutes later, he returned. This time, he locked the door and removed the key from the lock. To put the girl’s mind at ease, he told her he wanted to work and could do without distractions. He sat on his chair and seemed to be working when he suddenly stood up, walked up to the girl and solicited for a kiss. Again, the girl turned him down. He seemed to take her rejection in his strides and told her to go on with her writing. However, he remained restless. A few minutes later, he planted himself before her and tried to force her to drink his wine. When she again refused he poured some of it into his mouth and tried to force a wine-laden kiss on her. The girl fought him off, causing some of the wine to spill on the floor and on her clothes.

Determined to have some reward for his exertions, he dragged her from her seat to the settee a few metres away and told her pointblank that he wanted to have sex with her. She told him that she would not have sex with him. He tried to forcefully undress her. She screamed. With no one answering her screams, he undressed himself and fetched a condom from a shelf in his office. He put it on and, pinning her down, forced his manhood into her body, inflicting a great physical and emotional pain that was as brutal as it was mindless.

While he continued to hurt her, there was a knock at the door. The fellow knocked and went away, the footfall receding. Prof. Ndifon got off the body of his young victim, wore his clothes and helped her into her own clothes. He apologized profusely, telling her that he did not know what had come over him. He opened the door and went out. The girl looked round for her mobile phone so that she could place an SOS call. It was nowhere to be found. She went to the door and tried the handle. It was locked. In her traumatized state, she had not heard him locking it. With nothing to do, she imposed some composure on herself. She had gone there to write her test. She had to follow through as she was anxious not to fail the course of no less a lecturer than the Dean of the Faculty himself.

About thirty minutes later, her nightmare turned the key in the lock and entered. He was carrying a bottle of Guinness Stout which he opened and began to drink out of. He offered it to her but she declined. He tried to force the bottle into her mouth. Some of the drink entered her mouth which she promptly spat onto the floor. He took a swig of the bottle, dragged her close and forced the drink from his mouth into hers. Yet again, she spat it out on the floor.

He flew into a rage and ordered her to undress at the count of three. His victim had not eaten all day. Her ordeal lasted from around 3 to 5pm. She was very exhausted and told him as much. But Prof. Ndifon was having none of it. He counted to three. When his victim refused to obey him, he dragged her to the settee and, suing his knees to pinion her, ripped the zipper on her trousers. She was weak both from hunger and her ordeal and, in tears, pleaded with him to let her be. He was deaf to her entreaties. He told her that she was so great an actress that she could win an Oscar, assuring her he had met many girls like her in the past.

After more struggling, his weary victim was momentarily free. She got down on her knees and pleaded with him to let her go. He simply pushed her down, wore a condom and once again forced his manhood into her body. When he saw that she was at the point of losing consciousness, he got off her body and told her she could go. He offered to drop her off in his car. But she refused his offer. She got dressed and was staggering down the stairs when he caught up with her and asked her to carry his bag to his car. She complied. Only one of his staff was left. He assisted his boss to lock up the Dean’s office after which they drove off in Prof. Ndifon’s car.

By this time, all her friends and course mates who had been waiting for her had all left, except one who refused to leave. According Sinemobong, the said friend saw her

’’…in tears and rushed up to help me. He asked what happened to me, but I could not still put myself together to tell him what happened. I asked him to help dial my mother’s number in my phone, and I narrated briefly what Ndifon did to me. My friend, with the help of a Good Samaritan drove me to the Police Station where I made a written statement”.

The Issues

  1. It is against university regulations for a lecturer to hold a test on a Saturday in a programme that is full time. The law programme is full time;
  1. Assuming that the girl had been guilty of examination malpractice as alleged by Prof. Ndifon, tearing up her answer script was not the proper course of action to take as the university has a clear protocol for dealing with examination malpractice issues.
  1. Assuming that the girl had been guilty of examination malpractice, Prof. Ndifon had no authority whatsoever to forgive her as she broke university rules, not his private rules. In asking her to re-copy the answers on a fresh sheet, he therefore acted ultra vires as a lecturer; and, in covering up a wrongdoing, he fell foul of university regulations. In fact, he broke extant law;
  1. There is no satisfactory explanation for why Prof. Ndifon took the girl from his office as a Dean where there were two or three other people to his personal office as a lecturer– where there was absolutely nobody. The facts reveal that the girl had been carefully chosen as a target;
  1. Prof. Ndifon had previously claimed that his sex with the girl was consensual. Assuming but not conceding that girl actually gave herself to him voluntarily, such consent is invalid at law as a presumption of undue influence inures against Prof. Ndifon considering his position as her course lecturer and also the Dean of the Faculty of Law;
  1. Professor Ndifon has not been accused of anything that is not within his perverse and perverted nature.

Other Crimes

Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon was a law undergraduate of the University of Calabar in the 1980’s. However, in his second or third year, the University rusticated him for cultism-related activities. He went to the University of Ife (now Obafemi Awolowo University) where he later obtained his Bachelor of Law degree (LLB) and the University of Jos for his Master of Laws (LLM). We are dismayed that the University of Calabar eventually offered him a position as an academic staff and thus gave him a platform which he used to pursue his mischief for about two decades now.

It is our opinion that based on the character deficit which his rustication typifies; the University should not have employed him. There is thus no doubt in our minds that by its negligence or perhaps even outright refusal to carry out a thorough background check on Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon, the University of Calabar unleashed an absolute monster on the hapless students of the University in general and students of the Faculty of Law in particular. The University of Calabar therefore shares direct blame in the unfortunate incident of August 29, 2015.

Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon attended the Nigerian Law School. From our experience, we know that before a law graduate is offered admission by the School, he must fill out a form– which is on oath. Part of the information that the form seeks to elicit is whether the applicant had ever been rusticated from the university and whether he was or had ever been a secret cultist. An applicant who answers those questions in the affirmative is invariably denied admission. Considering that Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon was offered admission and that he went on to pass out of the School, it is clear that he lied on oath.

Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon is also an academic entrepreneur albeit in a negative sense. He carries on a thriving money-for-grades trade and habitually solicits for money from students in exchange for grades. In our time, one of his agents was our classmate. He habitually failed students who either refused to bow to his extortionist scheme or yield to his rabid sexual advances.

The Intrigues

Prof. Ndifon is a powerful man. He is a legal practitioner, a professor of law and a Dean of the Faculty of Law. He also has a huge sentimental capital. He is Cross River State’s first (and, to the best of our knowledge, only) Professor of Law. People in the highest echelons of power in the State and beyond are working hard to help him escape justice. They argue that Cross River State will be the loser if he falls from his exalted position. It does not matter to them that his sexual rapacity knows no tribe or tongue.

Prof. Ndifon himself has never been guilty of displaying any ethnic sentiments in his selection of victims. In fact, he has an eclectic taste: whether Igbo or Efik, Ejagham or Ibibio, Yoruba or Ijaw, Yakurr or Yala, everyone is fair game. Besides, it is disingenuous for anyone to suggest that Cross River State can be best served by a serial rapist. No glory can sprout from a foundation of shame and infamy. He is not an asset to Cross River State but rather a heavy liability.

Already, Prof. Ndifon and his proxies have taken to social media, especially Facebook, to plead his case. Firstly, they leaked the identity of the victim by publishing her name and picture; their aim is to traumatize her further into perpetual silence. All previous press reports had withheld the information as to the identity of the victim. Secondly, they have tried to shape the narrative in a way that casts the victim as a morally loose person. But that cannot stand. Even if a lady is a whore, it is no less rape for any man to have sexual intercourse with her without her consent.

Again, Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon and his sympathizers are piling tremendous pressure on the girl to drop the case. They have also subjected her to threats and intimidation. In fact, her lawyers have taken up the matter of an Army captain who called the victim to threaten her.

Our Prayers

On the strength of the foregoing, we earnestly and respectfully urge on you the following demands:

  1. That you thoroughly, professionally and impartially investigate the case of rape against Prof. Ndifon with a view to charging him to court to answer for his evil. His reputation as a skirt chaser, sexual harasser and rapist is the stuff of legends. For about two decades, the randy academic had blackmailed many female students into hopping onto his infamous table by threatening to frustrate their graduation from the law programme unless they had sex with him. The monster must be quarantined before he does more damage. The reign of impunity must stop.
  1. That you liaise with the Nigerian Law School to investigate Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon for perjury and to prosecute him for same.
  1. That you bind Prof. Cyril Osim Ndifon over for good conduct to the end that no harm will come to any of the signatories to this petition.

We urge you to ensure that this matter is not compromised or even compounded. As the police often remind us, it is an offence to compound a felony. Rape is not a matter for amicable settlement. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

The Law Class of 1997,

University of Calabar

Signatories:

  1. Adamade, Odey Simon
  2. Adula, Sampson Adula
  3. Agi, Anne Uruegi
  4. Ajara, Michael Ayambem
  5. Akpanke, Richard
  6. Akunefo, Tony
  7. Amadi, Perpetua
  8. Aniefiok, Tom Sunday
  9. Ariku, Tom
  10. Attoe, Bassey
  11. Damba, CC
  12. Effiom, Nnanke
  13. Ekeng, Edem
  14. Ekpo, Philip
  15. Elezuo, Eziaku
  16. Eyo, Glory
  17. Ibia, Bassey
  18. Igboanugo, Winifred
  19. Inaku, John
  20. Martins, Gloria
  21. Mbu-Ogar, Chris Njar
  22. Nsidibe, Brooks.
  23. Ntui, Panam
  24. Nuesiri, Daniel
  25. Nwosu, Philip
  26. Ofoha, John-Bede
  27. Ondale, Innocent Ondale
  28. Sokolo, Solomon
  29. Ulaeto, Nelson
  30. Unoh, Emenobazi Usetu
  31. Urubulam, Daniel Iyo

Cc:

  1. The Solicitor General, Ministry of Justice, Cross River State
  2. The Director of Public Prosecutions, Ministry of Justice, Cross River State
  3. The Inspector General of Police, Louis Edet House, Abuja.
  4. Assistant Inspector General of Police, Zone 6 Headquarters, Calabar,
  5. Director-General, Department of State Security, National Headquarters, Abuja
  6. The Vice Chancellor, University of Calabar, Calabar
  7. The Permanent Secretary, Federal Ministry of Education, Abuja
  8. The Executive Secretary, National Universities Commission, Abuja
  9. The National President, Nigerian Bar Association
  10. The Chairman, Nigerian Bar Association, Calabar Branch, Calabar
  11. The Chairman, Council of Legal Education, Abuja
  12. The Director-General, Nigerian Law School, Abuja
  13. The Chairman, Legal Practitioners’ Disciplinary Committee, Abuja
  14. FIDA, Abuja

Things We Learn Along The Way About Ourselves

June 30, 2015

Sometimes you come cross something that brushes up against a tender spot somewhere in you. It might be someone talking about being violently rejected by his lover and asking you for help.

He says he is depressed and suicidal.  You tell him that what he needs to do to start feeling better – exercise, get out with people, appreciate that you will hurt, stay busy, love your work and try try try not to get in touch with your abusive ex-lover.

You explain that love is its own addiction, you tell him about seretonin. You explain that love is an obsession and all about dopamine.

You would know, after all you are going through your own recovery.

Still you know the words are flat, you hurt and he hurts and all both of you want to do is scream and rail against someone or something. But you don’t, you implode.

Your feelings are too intense to express. They would make a melodrama look mild. But you need to do something with them. Energy needs to be dispersed.

May be a good time to take up boxing? Or karate? What a cliche.

Why is it never that easy?

You wonder whether its better to leave well enough alone. Let him go solve his own problem. You got plenty of your won to deal with. Whether you should be in this field in the first place considering your personal history.

You decided to work with violence victims and survivors because you were a survivor. As a child you witnessed spousal abuse so horrific you came home one day to find your mother lying in a pool of blood and your father calmly mopping up her blood. It was so bad you called the police once. You got beaten up that night and the phone was disconnected the next day.

It felt grown up and powerful to be able to say you would never let it happen to anyone else. But it did happen, everyday. And after a while you found yourself running to hide like you did once upon a time and you realised you were still a victim.

Till one day you make the association.

Nature is what makes you love the way you love, nurture makes you love who you love. 

So you help him anyway because you know what its like – to lack and not have, to want and not receive, to search and not find, to be down with no one offering you a hand up, to be scared and not have anyone to turn to, to be misunderstood and alone.

And you feel a deep gratitude for the opportunity to grow a little bit more.

Did You Know Its International Men’s Day?

November 19, 2014

Did you know? That there is such a thing as International Men’s Day?  I didn’t know till I saw a post on my friends FB page this morning.

Their website says this about what its all about.

The 6 Pillars of International Men’s Day

1. To promote positive male role models; not just movie stars and sports men but everyday, working class men who are living decent, honest lives.

2. To celebrate men’s positive contributions to society, community, family, marriage, child care, and to the environment.

3. To focus on men’s health and well being; social, emotional, physical and spiritual.

4. To highlight discrimination against men; in areas of social services, social attitudes and expectations, and law

5. To improve gender relations and promote gender equality

6. To create a safer, better world; where people can be safe and grow to reach their full potential..

Seems noble enough. I guess I have no problem celebrating men once a year outside Father’s Day. I have nothing against men, I like them very much as a matter of fact and I would like to see more positive male role models and a safer better world etc  etc etc.

I gave birth to and raised two men myself and I would like to encourage them and reinforce all the good stuff I taught them about being good, caring, responsible and loving men. One of them is even a father himself now, of two daughters no less. I had to raise two modern men and I expect him to raise two modern women (with help of course, we all have lots of help).

While I ‘get it’ and I almost shared the good news blindly without a caveat or a critique, further consideration made me pause and look into it some more.

Apparently we need to feel sorry for men because, you know what, they are committing suicide in record high numbers according to a UK report that came out to coincide with IMD. Four thousand five hundred suicides were recorded in England and Wales last year, 78% of them were men. In India the National Crime Records Bureau report for 2013, said 64,098 married men committed suicide as against 29,491 married women. The underlying assumption is that they are suffering a crisis of masculinity. 

While men remain the major perpetrators and victims of violence especially male on male violence , women are predominantly victims of male violence. And most of the violence against women is perpetrated in the home while most of the violence against men is perpetrated outside the home. So whats the conclusion? Men are inherently violent? Or just misunderstood?

I’m not man bashing. I raised two sensitive and caring men and I know a lot of other men that are great role models of strength, purpose and compassion. These are the men that I can and will celebrate.  The awesome men that aren’t in a ‘crisis of masculinity’, the wonderful men that aren’t wingeing about the gains women have made and are doing something about  being better men.

feminism11.jpg

FREE MARRIAGE ADVICE ON FRIDAY FEBRUARY FOURTEENTH

February 11, 2014

FEBRUARY 14 – Valentine’s Day. Lover’s day, the day of Love. I did the hand made cards, anxious hearts, chocolates and roses when I was young. Now I’m mildly embarrassed at my younger self.  Every time my new hormones reacted to the pheromones and fine genetic features of a male of my specie I thought  myself madly in love.

What is love?  Some people think love is the bond between mother and child, some think its the sexual attraction you feel when you meet some body, some people say that love is a verb – how you act towards some body.  Some people think its spiritual, metaphysical, magical, other worldly, inexplicable. Even the Bible says so, right?

I was as confused as everyone else till I read the January 2008 Time issue on the science of love. My life has never been the same. You can read a pretty good summary here. I wish someone had explained love to me a bit earlier. I can be melodramatic and intense. But I wrote some great poems in those days of ignorance. Find one here.

Some women are waiting for someone to send them a royal Valentine hamper from Fortnum’s or  buy them a trip to Dubai. Some will be happy to get dinner, a card or a plastic rose. Guys are running, avoiding phone calls. Runs babes are sorting the Big Boys from the men. Lots of boys and girls are regularly disappointed on Valentine’s Day.

According to a 2011 report more divorce petitions are filed in the US the day after Valentine’s Day than any other day in the year. In the absence of reliable records I’m going to track my blog stats to see whether I get more search engine hits and enquiries on ‘divorce in Nigeria’ on that day too. Is there more discontent in the air?

I’m a scientific kind of female.

“Events occurring in the brain when we are in love have similarities with mental illness.”

Don’t we all know that feeling?

So which do you think you are feeling? Lust? Attraction? Attachment? Or is it just plain need and fear that’s keeping you in bondage in a loveless abusive relationship? Abuse isn’t only physical. If your spouse constantly creates an atmosphere of rigid control and terror you may be in an abusive relationship. Even if he is providing everything.

Will your relationship or marriage survive Valentine’s Day?  Will that slap you receive, literal or figurative, when you innocently ask what he got you for Valentine’s be the final straw that makes you say ‘enough is enough’.  Will you finally realize that his isolating you from family and friends is abusive behaviour?

I’ll have a tweet meet @MzAgams on February 14th and 15 give some heartfelt and sincere marriage advice to the many broken hearts that may finally decide on Valentine’s Day – the day of love – they deserve better than an abusive spouse.  I’ll answer all your questions about family law, matrimonial causes and child custody issues. Is 8pm good?

 

Have You Heard? Every Woman Has A Right To Virginity!

October 16, 2013

A proposal in a South Sumatra district of Indonesia to make virginity tests mandatory on all girls entering high school has been rejected by the education minister and members of Indonesia’s civil society. The chief education officer justified the proposal saying ‘every woman has a right to virginity’. Read more about it here.

Did they reject the proposal too quickly? I like the sound  it  – ‘every woman has a right to virginity’. We could do things with that. Think about it, think about the implications of making virginity every woman’s right. Would that be like the right to life? Would it mean that you’re not allowed to take it from a woman or that you are somehow expected to provide the conditions for her to protect and exercise that right?

So women wouldn’t have to get married and have children ever again and no one can make them or if someone did they would be violating their right to virginity? Good bye to consensual sex forever? After all euphanesia and suicide are still murder right?  So if its a human right you can’t marry off your daughter, niece or house girl or ask them to marry. If a woman is raped it won’t only be a crime but a violation of her human right to her virginity and she should be entitled to compensation.

If female virginity is a right  who can we sue for loss of virginity? fathers? husbands? schools? Because if they check a woman’s virginity before she enrolls they must check it before she graduates too and be held responsible for its loss while a student. They can’t be allowed to return damaged goods can they now and if they do they will be held accountable and made to pay.

Thinking of female virginity as a right is both empowering and demoralizing. if you had thought of it as a right before you lost it wouldn’t you have protested on the streets before letting some one take it from you?  I see it now, millions of women across the globe marching in solidarity proclaiming their right to their virginity while men stand by and wonder when if ever they are going to get some sex again.

Why do I find this image more ‘feminist’ than the slut walks and the naked exhibitionism of liberated pop stars? Perhaps because it just strikes me as so much more you know anti-man. My dated internal picture of feminism still thinks of it as a revolutionary street movement against the patriarchy, what we once called ‘women’s lib’ (I am after all a child of the 70’s)

The first case will definitely be interesting, which body will have jurisdiction? National courts? Regional courts? Special tribunals? Of course it will take many years maybe even decades before a treaty can be drafted, signed and domesticated (progress on CEDAW is an example) but it will keep women busy and help them build essential advocacy, administrative and leadership skills in the mean time. Win win.

Report Abuse Button on Twitter Campaign?

July 30, 2013

This landed in my inbox today

Add a Report Abuse Button to Tweets

I wish I could have a button in real life that would make abuse go away. While I get the arguments for this button I’ve heard some critics say the button itself will end up abused. When I meet someone abusive on Twitter I report, block and move on

Of course I have not experienced as much twitter abuse as Caroline Criado-Perez did so I won’t be too quick to say how I would respond if I had numerous strangers threatening to rape me or whether I would still think existing protocols are adequate.

Still I don’t know, I’m not convinced. Can anyone help me here for or against?

Dreams of A Life – the Story of Joyce Carol Vincent

July 4, 2013

Do you remember this story? Broke in 2006 about a woman found dead in her London flat. She had been dead 3 years. I always thought it was an old lonely spinsterish woman at least that is how the media made it sound. Now I learn the woman  was 38, beautiful and accomplished.

joyce-in-studio-photo-2-680x961 joyce vincent 4 Joyce-vincent-007 JoyceVincent2

I just watched the documentary Dreams of a Life by Carol Morley about this tragic young woman the media said so little  about even the people that knew her did not recognize her from their reports.  It doesn’t tell the story with any less a stereotypical angle though.

It seems to suggest that she succumbed to depression over growing older and still being unmarried. There is a strong innuendo that this happened because she made wrong relationship choices, or didn’t recognize the men that loved her or something, a morality tale that seems to say this could happen to you if you don’t marry and settle down.

My experience working with victims of domestic and sexual violence says this woman was a victim of some form of abuse as a child. I wonder why the film maker didn’t focus attention on that? Why focus on her failed relationships and not the reason why she was unable to succeed at relationships?

Joyce showed classic behavior of a having been a child victim of abuse if you ask me, her emotional instability, her superficial relationship, pretending her father was dead, avoiding her family, their refusal to speak to the film maker, her lack of drive, her obvious co-dependence in relationships, her lack of personal friendships, a subsequent violent relationship. As easy as a google

The film maker kept on saying her motive was to give a story to the name but I think she may have deliberately ignored or else carelessly missed an opportunity to show how childhood abuse and dysfunctional parenting can impact adults later in life and lead to a tragic and pointless end.

It is a sad commentary on our society that a person can die and no one knows  for 3 years but I also agree with Alistair; Joyce was also responsible for what happened to her. While no one called her she actively sought to avoid her former acquaintances and was obviously not very good at asking for help.

She seemed more interested in pretending things were well or hiding if they weren’t.  She did not like confrontation, according to Martin, if things got difficult she moved, left he scene, took flight. Reminds me of someone, yeah me, that’s what I did for a long time.

I can identify with this young woman. I can imagine most of the people I call friends not worrying if I didn’t get in touch for a year or two. Except for my sons I have no more than the most superficial ties to the rest of my extended family. If they do not hear from me for a year or two they would not worry.

I just don’t stay in touch,  it could be because my father was a bastard that made my life so miserable as a child that its impossible for me to develop more than superficial relationships with people as an adult, or it could be because I just don’t trust people enough to let them that close. Who knows?

Does it matter? This film lacks any real depth and the interviews with Joyce’s friends raised more questions than answers as to what happened to Joyce and what led to her pathetic lonely end. We found out more about them than we did about Joyce really. They all seemed self absorbed.

So what is the morale of the story? If you push everyone away, don’t ever trust anyone and don’t try to overcome your dysfunctional past you could die and rot right on your sofa and no one will look for you but some award winning goody toe shoes might make a misguided documentary about you.

I’m so glad I have children and that we have a relatively good relationship!

I Am So Glad that I am Not in London Right Now

April 1, 2013

 

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I have just had the most amazing night at a very very English pub in the English country side. There was folk music  that sounded very Irish and there was amazing beer that sounds very English. Local beer. The first I tried was ‘Curious Brew’ by Chapel Down in Kent.

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Then I had the ‘Blonde’ by Hepworth  Co in Sussex. You have to try the local brews to know that you have been to the local pubs.  Then I had the ‘Yakima Red’ by Meantime Beer.

 

Being the evil person that I an I also had to try the whiskey that they had on offer. Single malt no less; once you have had a single there is no going back, it is so  different from those blends that one has become used to drinking in Nigeria. Ewwwww.

 

Taste the real McCoy. ‘Laphroaig an Islay single malt 10 years old and ‘Glenmoragnie’ a Highland Single Scotch Whiskey. Na wa o, We dey suffer for Naija sha. So three beers and two scotch whiskeys later I bid you a good night.

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